Dear President Obama,

I know you can't blow your nose these days without getting criticized for something (I think the ipod was a great idea for the Queen of England, by the way. What the hell else do you get the Queen of England? She doubtless has too much stuff already--maybe she needs a nice Quonset hut where she can put her extra stuff? Hard to fit on Air Force One. The ipod was absolutely the way to go.)

So anyway, Mr. Newt has some objections to some of this stimulus plan whatnot and seems to hate your guy Geithner with the fire of a thousand suns, but I'm inclined to give you a wide berth on all that. What I know about economics could fit in the Muppet Movie thermos I had back in third grade, so I will leave the financial stuff up to the people who can do math in their heads.

There is one matter, however, on which I am going to take it upon myself to second-guess you, and I hope you'll forgive my intrusiveness. Mr. President, you really should not name a dog Bo. The thing is, it sounds too much like "No," which you will discover is a word you will need that dog to recognize as quickly as possible. Dogs are not great with consonants, Mr. President, and your new family member is going to need a little help learning the difference between the word you say when you are calling him and the word you say when you are scolding him.

If you haven't already, you might try yelling "Bo No!" or alternatively "No Bo!" in the tone of voice you would use if you found him peeing on the carpet in the oval office while you were working late one night. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Well, there you have it.

You're welcome,
Newt